Learning to Talk and Listen

Improving Communication Between Teens and Parents

KEY POINTS

• Active listening can improve interactions between parents and teens.
• Focusing on future behaviour can be more productive than arguing about past events.
• Respect involves generally allowing teens to make their own decisions.

In many families, interactions between teenagers and their parents are often non-productive. All too frequently, parents do not trust their teenagers (often for good reason), and in turn, their children do not trust them.

As a result, both parents and teenagers suffer. The parents may feel despondent that they no longer have significant input into their children’s lives, and the teens do not have the opportunity to benefit from their parents’ advice.

I have observed that mistrust between family members can start with small miscommunications and then grow, sometimes culminating in insurmountable broken relationships. 

For example, a 16-year-old patient told me that he became angry with his mother because she lied about him and made him look bad. He explained that his mother told his grandmother that he was irresponsible because he had packed incorrectly for a family vacation, even though she had told him what to pack. 

My patient said that he was certain his mother did not give him instructions in this regard. He thought that she was lying to his grandmother so that it would not appear that the mother was disorganized.

Further, my patient said he had an additional reason to mistrust his mother because it seemed that she did not believe in him, as she kept checking with him about whether he had completed his schoolwork. I asked my patient whether he planned to talk to his mother about his observations. He said he was just going to keep it to himself as he did not want to have an unpleasant discussion.

I told my patient that I knew his mother, and it did not seem like her to lie as he thought she was doing. With his permission, in front of him, I asked his mother what happened. She recalled that she told the patient what to pack at the dinner table in the presence of both his father and girlfriend. The patient then sheepishly recalled that this was what had occurred. He realized that his mother had not lied about him to his grandmother.

I discussed with the patient that when we start thinking negatively about someone, we are apt to interpret their behavior in that light. Thus, he had misinterpreted his mother’s concerns about whether he was doing well in school, indicating that she distrusted and disrespected him. 

I wondered what would have happened had I not intervened. Would the patient have read more negativity into his mother’s behavior? Would she have noticed that he was distancing himself from her and wondered if something was seriously wrong? If she had asked him what was bothering him, would he have responded dishonestly to avoid an uncomfortable discussion? 

I suspected that the poor interaction, which fortunately was nipped in the bud, represented an example of how a gulf can form between teenagers and their parents.

I frequently discuss with teens and their parents three steps involving how they might approach each other in a way that helps prevent misunderstandings and promotes the maintenance of a reasonable, if not good, relationship during the often-turbulent teenage years.

Listen to Each Other

Sometimes, family members appear to each other as if they are acting irrationally. It is important to have calm discussions when people have cooled off after disagreements, during which parents and teenagers can explain the rationale for their decision-making. 

The technique of active listening can be beneficial during such interactions, in which the listeners repeat their understanding of what the speakers just said. If the speakers do not feel that they were heard properly, they are given the opportunity to explain again.

During such discussions, teens often recognize that they have not fully thought out the ramifications of their decisions, but once they are encouraged to think about a situation, they come up with solutions to do better in the future. Sometimes, parents realize that an issue arose with their teen because the parents did not express themselves clearly or gave ambiguous responses that their children misinterpreted.

Recognize That Memory Is Imperfect

Even when we think we have a crystal-clear memory of an event, research has shown that the accuracy of our memory is typically quite limited. To fill in the gaps, our subconscious mind populates the memory with elements that may not have occurred, but we find plausible. Thus, short of reviewing a video of an event (which researchers can do), we have no way of knowing what happened exactly. 

Therefore, I encourage teens and their parents to avoid arguing about what happened in the past, as neither party should be certain that their memory is correct. With this approach, arguments such as "You said that" vs. "No, I didn't. I said something entirely different" can be bypassed. Instead, discussions should focus on how to best handle future problems.

Respect and Believe in Each Other

Sometimes, parents fall into the trap of saying to their teens, “Respect must be earned.” All the while, many of these parents treat their children with suspicion and distrust in almost every situation. With such a dynamic at play, children sometimes give up on being truthful because they surmise they will not be believed no matter what they say. Instead, after a discussion that clears the air, I encourage both children and parents to give each other a fresh start. 

Respect involves allowing teens to make their own decisions unless a decision might lead to a major life trauma, even if their parents feel such a decision is not in their teens’ best interests. Allowing teens to face the consequences of their sub-optimal decisions is a very effective teaching method, even if it takes a long time for the lesson to be appreciated. On the other hand, when parents force their children to choose their will, teens typically focus their emotional energy on being resentful towards their parents rather than learning how to make better choices.

Life skills, such as learning how to walk, ride a bicycle, or study for tests, often require overcoming many failed attempts before success is achieved. Similarly, it can be expected that children will not immediately be trustworthy and will require many opportunities to prove their trustworthiness to themselves and their parents.

Takeaway

With patience and improved understanding, parents and teenagers can establish relationships that allow positive nurturing to continue through young adulthood and beyond.

Copyright Ran D. Anbar